National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is irreverent and hilarious, and has been a holiday tradition for the extended family of Schollses for 20 years or more. I literally laugh out loud every time I see that attic stair step come down and hit Clark in the mouth. We quote it all year long – Are you serious, Clark?
So what better way to frame a beatdown than to lampoon the pax with a Griswold suckfest?
SSH, Squats, Super Shoulders, and a mosey to the far end of the turf field for
Set 1 – “Bend Over and I’ll Show You”
Perhaps understandably, there was some disconcerted mumblechatter when I announced the first set, so I explained:
Starting on the Goal Line:
Inchworm to the 25, 25 Monkey Humpers
Bear Crawl to the 50, 50 Carolina Dry Docks
Inchworm back to the 25, 25 Monkey Humpers
Bear Crawl back to the Goal Line
Set 2 – “Are You Serious, Clark?”
This sage and iconic question from Cousin Eddie (the movie character, not the pax) seemed like the perfect title for a set of deconstructed Burpees.
From the Goal Line, jog to the 25, 25 Jump Squats
Jog to the 50, 50 Merkins
Jog back to the 25, 25 Groiners
Jog to the Goal Line, 25 Burpees
After a series of 10 Counts, we had Set 3 – Jelly of the Month Club
Who can forget the scene when Clark’s long-anticipated bonus arrives, but instead of a fat check, it’s a subscription in the Jelly of the Month Club. Eddie offers helpfully, “It’s the gift that keeps giving the whole year round”. And no Christmas Vacation beatdown would be complete without a nod to the diving-board Beauty, Mary. As luck would have it, that’s also the name used in F3nto refer to ab work (though YHC has no idea why)…
Starting at the back of the end zone, lunge-walk 10 yards, do 12 of the first exercise, then lunge walk 10 yds, do the next, etc…
M – Mahktar N’dye
A – Alternating Shoulder Taps (counting one side, Jumanji)
R – Reverse Crunch
Y – Y Sit ups (Like a WWI Sit up, but arms stay over your head in a Y shape the whole time. Hey, better than Yurpees…)
We lunge walked 120 yards and spelled MARY 3 times, only to find out it was a 2 year subscription. So we repeated, 120 yards back to where we started. And let me tell you, that turf field was WET and COLD, though no one thought to say “And why is the turf field all wet, TODD???” “I don’t KNOW, MARGOT!”
Sadly, that was all the time we had, and all that was on my weinke, so we moseyed back to the flag.
I began by asking the guys if they could catch a sneeze. I can’t – I go full blown sneeze explosion every time. If I were to try to stifle it, I think my head would literally explode. That’s the closest thing I can think of to the sensation of stifling my anger, especially at home. After Thanksgiving I shared with the pax about how I lost it with my M’s sister at Thanksgiving. Today I told them how I have been working on catching that anger before it starts, with help from a counselor and journaling. A couple of days ago my youngest was giving my M a ridiculously difficult time, and I let one word out “GET..” but then caught myself, took a breath, and calmly told him he could not speak to his mother that way and he needed to go to his room.
I’ve been thinking about the Wise Men a lot this year – I want to be a wise man who comes to offer a gift to the Lord Jesus. My encouragement to the men was to keep working on whatever it is they’re working on. They’ll fail, but don’t quit working on it, seeking help and camaraderie and accountability. Being wise doesn’t mean we never falter, it just means we keep working at it.